I have this weird job where it’s technically part-time but it could easily run 100 hours a week. The most I’ve ever logged is maybe 96. I’m not really sure but I try not to let it exceed sixty. Forget all the reasons why I’ve decided to put up with this compromise and for now let’s just focus on the middle of the shit storm that I’m enduring currently. Smashed through the point of absolute fatigue some while ago and since then it’s been mostly a black out state. Kind of weird to live through but such is life.

I did have this incredible experience where I got to see Mingyur Rinpoche speak in Evanston, IL  a few weeks ago now. Funny enough I was barely into this current jag but already well exhausted, and I had a difficult time staying awake through his teaching. Quite fortunate then that he gave a guided instruction on sleeping meditation. I’m not together enough to detail the full instruction here, but with his guidance I was able to remain in awareness and observe my mind during the transition from sleepiness through that in-between liminal state and then full on into sleep. Almost as soon as I became fully asleep I jolted myself back awake, but it was a valuable experience. I have had similar experiences before while on the acupuncture table or elsewhere, but they have been infrequent, and I credit the instruction (and his presence) with getting me to that state.

Since that lesson I have been trying to use fatigue as the object of my meditation. There’s no point in attempting anything else, really. I’m physically in too much pain to even attempt the ngöndro, and any attempts at visualization practices would be foolish as I can’t keep my mind focused on anything for more than a moment. Incidentally this is the working state in which most of my Union operates all of the time, and probably has at least something to do with the rate at which Death Notifications pop up in my inbox. I don’t judge my coworkers for their coping mechanisms, but I know that cocaine and norcos are ultimately not going to do anything for me, so I’ll just rely on the guru’s blessing and hope for the best.

It’s been an interesting few weeks. For a while I stopped dreaming entirely, then I had to take a few Wednesdays off just to catch up on sleep. Finally at the point where I am beginning to have scattered dreams again, none of them lucid but with hints embedded that could get me there, if I were able to pay enough attention within the dream. Physically it’s been quite a mess. I’ve already endured in just the last year something like six months out of work due to a work/comp injury, and have gotten very sophisticated at detailing my pain journal and so forth. Combined with my somatic and meditative training, I suppose my awareness is somewhat keen, but lately it’s like soup. Constellations of a dull sort of aching and shapeless pain that explodes in random locations and then fades back away, but not much of it rising above the horizon of awareness, more just sort of dimly there like it could be happening to someone else. Which may be a useful analogy. I have pondered where the ego resides in this fog and haven’t found anything there. All of my irritation, my pet peeves, the sliced fingers and band aids, everything bothersome about going on four hours of sleep each night for weeks on end, even that seems fleeting and ephemeral. I imagine the bardo state to be something terrifying and jolting, but what if it’s a narcotic sort of sleepiness that you can’t get your senses around, but too unsettling to actually rest in. All mind states are workable, and for the time being at least, and probably the next several weeks, this is what I have to work with. I guess it’s as good a practice as anything.

Grant your blessings so that my mind may be one with the dharma

Grant your blessings so that dharma may progress along the path

Grant your blessings so that the path may clarify confusion

Grant your blessings so that confusion may dawn as wisdom

The Four Dharmas of Gampopa