Category Archives: Quantum musings

Free as a bird..

There’s nothing here that’s not been said before

But I put it down now to solidify my own views

And I’ll be glad if it helps anyone else out too.

Adam Yauch

The thing about advice is sometimes you just need to hear it, in order to recognize what you already know. Good advice makes sense because the truth in it is so obvious, and you know bad advice the same way you know bad tofu — every part of your being is shouting “that’s wrong!” Sometime the truth hurts because it’s too close to the bone, and sometimes you get the same pat and hollow answers no matter the question posed. It’s up to each of us to apply our human intelligence to our lived experience and hash out our own truths. Getting advice is part of the smell test.

I’ve been handed plenty of good and bad advice over the years, but one thing I’ve had to figure out is that a poor teacher doesn’t invalidate the teachings. If the advice is too far off the mark I might be left to figure out my own answers, but really that’s what I was going to do anyway so why not get down to it? This month marks the Lunar New Year and I’ve been dropping in on a number of Buddhist communities lately, in part to join in the celebration, and partly because I like to know what other people do all day. I had a brief conversation with an interesting fellow who told me he was once a monk. Now he lives nearby. I asked him curiously “So where do you practice?” and his reply was the best advice I’ve received all year. “I just practice.”

On Slaught..

A number of things on my mind lately around a theme. Just going to hash them out here not really gonna get anything solved.

There’s this thing with being a Buddhist and eating animals. It’s the same dissonance a lot of folks feel whether they are Buddhists or not. We are animals that need to eat. It’s not entirely comfortable. There’s going to be some suffering involved.

Let’s leave aside for the moment the question of whether or not plants have a consciousness. I believe this question is worthy of serious consideration, but it is complicated bordering on philosophical and somewhat secondary to the concerns I want to hash out here.

Being a vegetarian didn’t work out for me, although I’ll gladly eat my fill of vegetables. A plate of BBQ is just plain boring if it ain’t half slathered in collards, TBQH. I found out not too long ago I got the diabeetus, and there are at least a few other dietary concerns going on what with the 82 hour work weeks. Adding arbitrary restrictions just isn’t gonna be the way to go for me, personally. More power to you if you wanna go vegan, but if you’re not looking your farmer straight in the eye, you’re pretty much still party to the wholesale destruction of monarch and pollinator habitat, not to mention a whole lot of deer that probably got shot to make way for more and more acres of corn and soy. None of which is doing anything to solve our carbon problem. Oh and did I mention our lakes and oceans are full of plastic?

Where are we headed? There are some crazy and not so crazy ideas out there. There are warehouses in cities like Chicago where they’re growing lettuce and tilapia indoors. This is a great conversion of a resource, but it isn’t a solution that’s gonna work for Kansas. I’ve also read about cloning meat cells or how we should all start eating insects, raised in sterile labs no doubt. I can’t even get my head around the cloning thing but chickens are already great at eating insects, and they’ll turn degraded ag fields back into pasture while they’re at it. I have eaten crickets before and they weren’t bad for a garnish, but you can do a lot more with chicken from a culinary perspective. Cows, sheep, pigs, goats, they all are gonna do a better job at converting degraded lands back into natural habitat than endless applications of RoundUp.

The RoundUp thing is totally a restoration strategy, too. I’m not making this up! Too many of these solutions seem to have this idea that since “conventional” ag is bad, we need to go even more off the wall with the genetic splicing chemical weirdness factory solutions. Maybe some of that stuff will provide something useful on a planet with 9 billion mouths to feed, but it doesn’t provide any appeal for me.

So, let’s take it as a given that livestock have a role to play in sustainable farming, and that just because Big Ag is wrong headed doesn’t mean that all farms are bad. All these thoughts are worthy of further exploration but they aren’t my main focus right now and I’m tired and need to wrap this up.

If I am going to run a farm, and that farm is gonna run livestock, I am going to want to make sure that those animals have the best possible life while they are on the farm, all the way up until the point where they become somebody’s groceries. I’ve already been party to the culling of a few roosters, and more than once I’ve had to euthanize some bunnies that a volunteer may have inadvertently maimed. Taking a life is not any fun, but it’s quickly becoming evident to me that it’s the most important chore on the farm. It’s worth learning to do well, with skill and efficiency, and above all with respect and compassion for those lives that are being sacrificed to feed other lives. With a job so important, I don’t know that I’d be comfortable outsourcing it, at least not without first getting some very first hand experience with the ins and outs. I need to  trust that those lives are being valued with the same esteem in which I hold them. I have more plenty homework to do here, but visiting some farms where they do their own slaughter has just gotten bumped pretty high on my list of priorities. It seems the least I can do, before I commit to raising a few hundred lives on pasture.

The words are getting blurry and the alarm clock is set to go off too soon. My apologies for writing something less than coherent, but I felt it was time I got something fresh down here, whether I’ve explored every detail adequately or not.

OM MANI PEME HUNG and to all a good night.

“First you need to find a teacher..”

This weekend I took part in my first nyungne practice. Nyungne is a Tibetan fasting and purification ritual undertaken with the intent of generating compassion for all beings. The particulars are difficult to explain without context, but I’ll give it a go. Save for the recitation of some long Tibetan prayers, most of the two-and-a-half day retreat is conducted in silence, Additionally, retreatants forego food or liquid of any sort for a period of roughly forty-two hours. It is supposed to be a challenging practice. Through this hardship, we develop compassion for all of those enduring suffering throughout the entire universe.

During the weekend I had the opportunity for an interview with Lama Tsultrim Yeshe, who led the retreat. I spoke with him briefly about my buddhist path so far, which has been at times structured and has at times felt more like a pinball’s trajectory. There was no real criticism with my approach — sometimes life takes us where life takes us — but Lama Yeshe emphasized a sentiment that I have heard again and again. Until I find a true teacher, I will not make much further progress along the path. It is up to me to find that teacher, and to decide with whom I’m comfortable entering into that relationship. I can think of a few contenders, but it may turn out to be someone I have not yet met. Opportunities to encounter such a teacher are limited in our culture, and there is that whole pesky and recurring business of trying to make a living, which usually gets in the way of taking the time to check out various learned masters and what they have to say. It’s going to be a matter of juggling priorities, and as is often the case, everything is a priority. Did I mention already the merit accrued through challenging practice?

I started this blog with the thought that I might hash out some of my research into the various threads of environmentalism, sustainability, and permaculture that I am continually exploring, but it has turned into something else. Life takes us where it takes us, and for a while now I have been putting in more time reciting sanskrit words than I have been working on my field ID skills. Still, there is that quarter acre that I have to get planted, and a seed order that isn’t going to sow itself. Writing remains up there on my list of priorities, as does deepening my buddhist practice, and cutting down buckthorn. It’s quite a list, and it isn’t getting shorter. It feels like I may have said everything I have that’s worth saying for now regarding the Four Noble Truths, but it really remains to be seen what I’ll write upon next. Just as important is to do something worth writing about..

So that happened. .

“Although I wallow in the slime and muck of the dark age,

Still I aspire to see his face.

Although I stumble in the thick black fog of materialism,

Still I aspire to see his face.”

Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, The Sadhana of Mahamudra

How can I even begin?

In the past week, His Holiness the 17th Gyalwang Karmapa, Ogyen Trinley Dorje, visited Karma Thegsum Choling in Cicero, IL. For the unfamiliar, that’s an awful lot of consonants jumbled up against one another. I will do my best to explain.

The Karmapa is the spiritual head of the Karma Kagyu lineage in Tibet. The Kagyu lineage dates back 900 years and is one of the four major lineages in Tibet. As best I can gather,  it’s also the lineage that I was sworn into, although my vows were administered in Tibetan, and, well, frankly it gets a little complicated. For the past decade and a half I’ve been doing my best to make sense of things, hashing out my own liturgy as best I can, based on hearsay and observation. I have met some truly wonderful and inspiring individuals along the way, and I have also met with my share of deceit and betrayal. It’s been a bumpy ride, but the best intel I’ve been able to gather suggests that the Karmapa is the real deal, and for some time now I have hoped I might be able to make my own assessment of that situation. On Monday, I was granted that opportunity.

Given the extraordinary nature of international politics, the Karmapa is rarely free to leave his monastery in Dharamsala, India. For most of his two-month tour here in the United States, His Holiness has been visiting universities, packing auditoriums to capacity. Tickets vanished within minutes whenever they were made available. Karma Thegsum Choling is a modest Buddhist center, hardly an auditorium.  As a carpenter, I even had to make some modifications to the building exits just so we’d safely be able to meet our expected capacity (of less than 100). The event was deliberately not publicized, and tickets were given out by invite only, just to ensure that things remained manageable. In short, it’s incredibly fortunate for those involved that His Holiness decided to visit us at all.

And it almost didn’t happen. The day before he was due to arrive, the Karmapa apparently became ill. His visit was quickly rescheduled for the following week. Not long after that announcement went out via email, an earthquake struck Nepal, on the very same date that His Holiness was originally due to visit Cicero. Certainly no one would have been offended if the Karmapa deemed it necessary to cancel his remaining itinerary and head back home. Several of us expected that he would do so. And yet he stuck with the revised schedule, despite the inconvenience it certainly posed.

The actual ceremony, the pomp and circumstance, the incredible tension and release, that I cannot attempt to explain. The majesty and grace that His Holiness presented will sound like horse hockey if I try and describe it here, but I had the experience of being near some sort of quantum distortion field, as if his presence were larger than anything else in the room, or in the entire universe. All of that was undercut by his incredible humility. Browse through the webcasts posted on  or on the Karmapa’s YouTube channel and you can get a sense of this quality. In person, it was overwhelming.

At the request of Lama Sean, center director at KTC, His Holiness offered some instruction for us that day on the practice of Chenrezik, or visualization of the bodhisattva of compassion. This is one of the main practices, or sadhanas, undertaken at Karma Thegsum Choling. While commenting on the 1,000 armed form of Avoliketeshvara, His Holiness related that he could personally empathize with the desire to manifest 1,000 arms, as he would need that many arms to fulfill all of the requests for help he receives each day from countless beings. Was there a hint of sadness in his voice as he said this? Was it resignation? Was he simply still feeling ill?

“His Holiness wants to see you. .”

After the ceremony had concluded, I waited to see if there was anything else I might help with. The room was filled with electricity. Some folks had already headed downstairs, but many were hanging around the main shrine room, chatting excitedly. As I stood there not knowing my place, a head poked out of the crowd. “Rob! His Holiness wants to see you.”

I was not expecting that the moment would become any more surreal. I suddenly felt like I had swallowed a ball of molten iron. I wasn’t sure what to do next, but I made my way through the crowd as quickly as I could and headed downstairs to the apartment where His Holiness was waiting. What was this feeling I was experiencing? Panic? Bliss? Terror?

I entered the room and bowed, completely unsure of what to do next. Should I approach him? Keep a respectful distance? Time was an abstract. Seconds were frozen, and at the same time they raced by. It was as if the room were on fire. Here I stood face to face with the Karmapa, and still I could not gauge his presence. Was he seven feet tall? One hundred? Up close, it was apparent that whatever illness had plagued His Holiness was lingering with him. He appeared a bit fatigued, a little sweaty, and yet he stood larger than life. I’ve met Presidents who didn’t have as commanding a presence. The Karmapa extended his hand and I approached. We shook hands. “Thank you,” he said. Apparently Lama Sean had related that I was essential in preparing the center for the Karmapa’s vist . “Thank you!” I gushed in return. I did not know what else to say. “Rob is a carpenter,” Lama Sean repeated for His Holiness. “Let’s build a stupa!” I exclaimed, stupidly. A stupa is a traditional buddhist monument of sorts, and plans had been announced earlier that day for a stupa in Zion, IL, the site of the 16th Karmapa’s passing. His Holiness had explained that this was, in fact, the main reason for his visit to the region, that he might recall his previous experience here. Suddenly I was embarrassed. I had spoken half a dozen words and I felt I had overstayed my welcome. “Yes, stupa,” the Karmapa repeated in his halting English. The next visitor was already on his way in, carrying a small child.

I left hurriedly, unsure whether or not I was going to pass out, fall over, or wake up. In the days that have passed since, I have tried to make sense of all that happened, and I am at a loss. At first it was as if I was in some sort of post-karmic depression. Not so much a feeling of sadness, but a sense of the weight of the world, of everything that the Karmapa must bear on a daily basis. Despite his limitless burdens and obligations, he not only went out of his way to visit our little dharma center in Cicero, IL, but he took the time to thank me personally for installing some door hardware and laying some carpet. Who knows how many thousands are praying for him this very moment to relieve their very real suffering, and I installed some carpet. The dude rolls with Secret Service escort, and he took the time to thank me. I have worked harder for guys who drive cargo vans, and they have not so much as said “nice job!”

As I reflect upon it, I realize that even my exclamation about the stupa was in a sense, selfish. Certainly I would like to see a stupa in Zion, and certainly it would bring joy to many others, but currently, I am without a full-time job, and if there were some work to do to prepare the stupa, I might have something to do for a little while, and then I could feel useful. It isn’t for the sake of all beings that I want to see a stupa. It’s just so that I might gain some personal satisfaction, or perhaps deepen my own spiritual practice and connection in some way. After the Karmapa left, Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche answered some questions from those who had stayed behind, and he spoke about the benefits that a stupa could bestow. Many who visit a stupa wish that they might gain material satisfaction, win the lottery, or some such thing, and that is the wrong approach. If one instead visits a stupa and makes a sincere aspiration to be of benefit to others, the stupa will speedily grant that wish.

If there is an overriding theme to the Karmapa’s many public comments and teachings on this tour, it is the importance of developing compassion. When he spoke to the crowd at KTC on the practice of Chenrezik, he told us that if we want to know if our practice is truly deepening, we need simply look at our own compassion, and see how it is developing. The proof is in the pudding, as they say. As I think back on the few seconds I had to share with His Holiness, I regret that I didn’t simply ask him, “how are you?” or wish him a speedy recovery from his illness. I am sure that he took no offense, and admittedly I was overwhelmed and more than a little off guard, but it remains a valuable lesson nonetheless. How many times have I walked into a room and been too distracted or hung-up on my own agenda to acknowledge that anyone else was present? This being human business takes constant practice, but it is an opportunity worth perfecting. Some years from now I may be able to judge what effect meeting the Karmapa had upon me. In the meantime, I will be paying more attention to how I pay attention to others. That may be the greatest teaching he could grant me. For now, it is what I will be working on. It’s a start, anyway.

UPDATE: A wonderful article was posted on, complete with photos, which does a much better job of describing His Holiness’ actual visit and the content of his teaching than I have done here.

Some edits for clarity and factual correctness. 

You Gotta Have Heart!

I received an email today from someone I met all too briefly at a conference and only half remember meeting. This happens too often at these events and needs to be addressed in the structure of the conference — but, I digress.. Her email was complimentary and encouraged me to post more often to my blog, which was all the encouragement I needed, I guess. I have had a bunch of thoughts kicking around my head for a while and in a minute I’m gonna riff on those. First, though, I want to share a cool image of Yeshe Tsogyal I borrowed from the Tsogyaling Meditation Center in Evanston. In another few paragraphs I’ll explain why I’m posting it here and I’ll have some things to say about the iconography, but you should take a moment to click on the image and pay their site a visit. They are good peoples.

Yeshe Tsogyal image from Tsogyaling Meditation Center of Evanston. Pay them a visit sometime.

There has been some stuff going around teh interwebz lately about neuroscience and free will and what is up with that. I’m not going to post links because everything that I have read misses the point, as far as I’m concerned,  but I’ll try and rehash what I’ve gotten out of the coverage. Basically, the gist is that some smart folks have figured out that the unconscious mind is controlling decisions and behavior before the conscious mind is even aware that the decision is being made. Some chumps have concluded that we therefore don’t have free will, which feels an awful lot like coming up with an experiment to prove your hypothesis, and interpreting all your results within view of that hypothesis.. How about another take? Maybe the “conscious” part of the brain, the part that puts labels on everything and is all hung up on language, is simply the last one to figure out what is going on? What hubris, to think that thinking is the end all and be all of being. Say I’m driving on the expressway and I slam on the brakes to avoid a swerving semi or sudden catastrophe. I doubt there’s a lot of cognitive thought going into the decision to apply the brakes, and quickly. Have you ever been in a situation where you just reacted, and before you even figured out what was going on, you were out of harm’s way? Sometimes there isn’t time to think. I don’t see how this negates the idea of free will. Kind of silly to think so.

Now, I could have the whole experiment all wrong. I’m just giving my take on some articles that came across my twitter feed. It’s not going out on a limb though to suggest that the brain is a funny thing. I’m pretty sure we don’t completely get how the whole show works, or those neuroscientists wouldn’t still be coming up with experiments to run.  I do know that I have been hanging out in some pretty interesting places lately, and I’ve come across some interesting and divergent viewpoints. Those experiences have given my language addled always labeling brain plenty to ponder, and pondering the pondering is a fun rabbit hole to dip into. Get ready..

I want to get back to Yeshe Tsogyal. The double halo surrounding the wisdom guru is pretty typical Buddhist iconography. I started noticing this iconography more often after I had a few conversations with a couple of different buddhists who are into this so-called Heart Math technique , which is a little out there, but worth contemplating. Part of the supposed science behind the technique is that the heart is pushing out some serious electromagnetic vibrations, which overwhelm anything that the brain is producing. These can apparently be measured and observed, and the image pretty much looks like Yeshe Tsogyal’s double halo. Again I’m oversimplifying, but if you are interested there’s plenty of info to check out. Start with this trippy video. Apparently we’re communicating with each other all of the time without using our brains or language, and maybe without even being “aware” of the communicating. We’re also still using pheromones, even though some of us reject that notion as being uncivilized, or something. I’m here to tell ya it just ain’t so..

I particularly enjoyed this episode of the Biodyamics Now podcast, in which guest Stephen Harrod Buhner posits that there are many types of human consciousness: the mind, the heart, and the gut being the ones we use most often. It’s very common to use the heart and the gut as metaphors, but what if it isn’t all metaphor? There are billions of little critters squirming across your skin and swimming in your gut, most of them friendly, a few not so much. By the percentages, most of the DNA that you’re carrying around every day isn’t even human. Do you really think you’re calling all the shots? Just who are you calling you, anyway? It doesn’t sound outlandish to talk about parasites that influence human behavior — candida overgrowth or crazy cat lady syndrome are barely news. Is it so outlandish to suppose that some other of those critters may be helping us to make decisions that lead to our mutual benefit? If so, exactly how long does it take before the brain takes all the credit for the idea?

I have been experimenting and practicing with this notion of feeling from the heart, and that has led to some interesting observations. I am also open to the idea of breaking down concepts, and getting away from notions and labels. Those things are necessary, but they aren’t everything. What an interesting thought to ponder, that this thing we call thinking may be pretty far down the chain of cause and effect, and that it is really more of an observation than a command. Maybe this idea is so appealing and easy for me to accept because it echoes notions I first encountered in Zen Buddhism over a decade ago, but I don’t think you need to be a Buddhist to accept that maybe we’re more than just the sum of a few parts. What happens if we pay more attention to the observation, and put less emphasis on the commentary? It could just be a little experiment to play with. No hypothesis to prove or disprove, just something to carry on with and learn from. Give it a try. Give it some heart.

[edits for clarity and to fix some broken links]

Everything is everything..

All the karmic thought, speech, and action ever committed by me since time immemorial, and in the present and future..

Arising from beginingless ignorance, arising from craven greed, arising from misguided anger, arising from endless delusion..

Born of this impermanent body, born of this impetuous mouth, born of this clinging mind..

I now openly acknowledge, I now confess with humility, I now repent wholeheartedly and accept all consequence with equanimity..

I have been wondering what to do now that I have a blog. I’ve pondered my “brand” and “message” and doodled upon scratch pads trying to come up with a “mission statement”. I’ve also woken up every morning for how long I cannot recall and recited the above lines, and repeated them again most evenings. It seems to me my mission couldn’t be any clearer — deal with each day as it arises, without prejudice or preconception, relying upon my own experience and my best judgment to guide me forward. Surely there will be mistakes, and there will just as likely be situations which I cannot anticipate, or which are beyond my control. There will also be many things which I cannot change. When I encounter these setbacks or obstacles I have to include these in my experience, again without judgment or prejudice, but with the confidence that I will have learned something from the experience, and that in the future I will be that much wiser.

That may not have much to do with blogging — or maybe it does. It feels worth while to set it all down, to set a tone of honest inquiry and accountability for this blog. Karma isn’t as straightforward as a math equation. It’s more like David Tennant’s ball of timey-wimey stuff. The circumstances that I have to deal with every day are largely of my own creation, but countless other sentient beings played their part. Entire galaxies had to form and collide before I could sit down and write this very paragraph. Where does that leave me? Right here, with this laptop, trying to sort it all out with the best understanding that my human intelligence can apply to the situation. Occasionally I’m going to get my facts wrong, or misremember how that episode of Heroes played out. It’s likely that my favorite barbeque recipe will change over time, or that I may even start spelling it “barbecue”. It’s still up to me to put in the due diligence, to report both the truth and my own experience as clearly and accurately as I am able, and to correct my fuck-ups as they arise. Let this be my blogger’s creed.

Originally published the first time I tried to launch this blog, which was not that long ago.